everyone gets a trophy

[Ten Bears]

An experience at the ball field this season has had me thinking about some things.

End of the season playoffs, one of the loser bracket teams ended up out of the tournament.
I watched in amazement as these children were each given a trophy.

Does life work that way?
Where else in the real world does this happen?
Not everyone makes the team.
Everyone does not play.
Losers do not get the rewards.
Everyone does not get a trophy.
That my friends... is life.

One of my best friend's from high school never made the team.
He was too short and too small, his father understood the rules of life. He did not get upset when his son didn't make the team or get the trophy. He did not try to change the rules. Instead he raised his son to do his best, taught him that failure is part of life. Taught him to keep trying, to keep doing his best.

Today my small statured friend stands tall amongst his peers. He has earned the success that most people dream about. He earned the real trophy through hard work, dedication, and perseverance.

Think before you change the rules, not everyone gets a trophy. There are lessons to be learned on the ball field what do you want your child to learn?

Ten Bears

[SPQR]

good post ten bears,

I couldn't agree with you more, parents nowadays tend to reward their kids for failure and prop them up under all circumstances, then out in the real world...they cannot handle any failure and must lobby to change all the rules. Its not fair!!!

[jellybean]

I don't believe much in rewards at all... for the winners or the losers. It motivates people do things JUST for the reward and that is an epmty pursuit. Why would we intentionally want to condition our kids to chase the carrot? And worse.. to chase the carrot so they can take it way from everyone else?

In my house I buy cooperative games rather than competitive. We have board games where the object is too get everyone across the finish line before time runs out or everyone loses. Teaching kids that there are winners and losers is myopic. Winners and losers in the game of life? No... since everyone has different strengths and abilities it is just a matter of finding out what they do best and working hard at it.. just for the personal satisfaction, not because they have "beat" someone else to it.

I know someone who went down the super competitive road and sadly it never ends. Whereas is starts out with sports or academics it then turns into competition for the hottest wife, the highest paying job, the most expensive car, the most impressive looking life. And he still screams at people when he loses at a board game even though he is a grown man. It confounds him that I don't care one iota about the "stuff" he has or that I don't try to be more like him. I have the important stuff... a job I wake up happy to do each day, a life where I get to spend 100% of my time with my family, and I am super close to my extended family... he has none of that and deep down I know it burns him. Competition and needing to be the winner often times leads us down a path to unhappiness and after you have alienated everyone in your life, there is no recourse when you finally figure it out.

I want my kids to transcend the winner/loser mentality and just find happiness and fulfillment. Keep your rewards and trophies, they are meaningless and empty.

Losers do not get the rewards

Shame on you for teaching your kids they are "losers" if they don't meet some external person's expectations and for thinking they need punished for it (by withholding rewards) to boot.

[Dean.]

IMHO...there is nothing wrong with big giant trophies for the first place team; tiny little trophies for the second place team; red 3rd place ribbons for the 3rd place team; and a certificate of participation for everyone else.

Rewarding effort is important but to give everyone the same thing discourages working hard and encourages a lackluster effort.

The real world just isn't that way. More preparation needs to be done with our kids for the way the real world works, i.e. balancing a checkbook, creating a budget, credit training, job interviewing, importance of a good job history, competitive nature etc.

A lot of those kids come out of school without a clue thinking that the world owes them a living and great success. It's just not that way.

[viking90]

I have coached softball in my community for 6 yrs. or so, and I am also on the board for our local softball program. It is in the county rules that tournament hosts are required to provide 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and participation trophies at the end of the year tournament.

I do agree with your post, but at the same time, I do believe that these girls deserve a little something at the end of the year for their participation and hard work. I personally coach because I love the game and I love the kids, and if we win, then great, and if we lose, as long as we had fun and learned something then I'm happy.

I have a friend who coaches a jr. high girls basketball team and he has almost 20 girls on his team because he's not allowed to cut!! I think this is ridiculous! When I was in school, you worked hard to make the team, and if you did get cut, then you worked harder the next year!! This whole idea of "all inclusion" today teaches our kids NOTHING!!!

Kinda makes me think of being spanked at school. Today, the lawsuits would be flying, but when I got spanked in the 3rd grade for climbing a tree on the playground, guess what.....I NEVER CLIMBED A TREE ON THE PLAYGROUND AGAIN!!! And another thing, I got another spanking when I got home, because my dad knew that I had broken a rule. He didn't try to defend me, or take me out of school, or send me to another school.

Oh well, sorry about this little side tangent, but if life was the way it was when I was growing up in the 70's and 80's, I think the kids today would have more respect for their elders, and have some sort of appreciation for the things that they have.

[Frank Drebin]

I don't believe much in rewards at all... for the winners or the losers. It motivates people do things JUST for the reward and that is an epmty pursuit. Why would we intentionally want to condition our kids to chase the carrot? And worse.. to chase the carrot so they can take it way from everyone else?

In my house I buy cooperative games rather than competitive. We have board games where the object is too get everyone across the finish line before time runs out or everyone loses. Teaching kids that there are winners and losers is myopic. Winners and losers in the game of life? No... since everyone has different strengths and abilities it is just a matter of finding out what they do best and working hard at it.. just for the personal satisfaction, not because they have "beat" someone else to it.

I know someone who went down the super competitive road and sadly it never ends. Whereas is starts out with sports or academics it then turns into competition for the hottest wife, the highest paying job, the most expensive car, the most impressive looking life. And he still screams at people when he loses at a board game even though he is a grown man. It confounds him that I don't care one iota about the "stuff" he has or that I don't try to be more like him. I have the important stuff... a job I wake up happy to do each day, a life where I get to spend 100% of my time with my family, and I am super close to my extended family... he has none of that and deep down I know it burns him. Competition and needing to be the winner often times leads us down a path to unhappiness and after you have alienated everyone in your life, there is no recourse when you finally figure it out.

I want my kids to transcend the winner/loser mentality and just find happiness and fulfillment. Keep your rewards and trophies, they are meaningless and empty.

Losers do not get the rewards

Shame on you for teaching your kids they are "losers" if they don't meet some external person's expectations and for thinking they need punished for it (by withholding rewards) to boot.

Winning and losing are a part of life and it's not unhealthy for kids to learn that. Parents who don't teach their children that are doing them a great disservice.

[2xy1xx]

What an interesting topic with some interesting takes on being competitive – successfully or unsuccessfully.

My first born played county baseball for 6 years. He was always one of the last ones picked and a benchwarmer. When it was his turn to play – he was most certainly in the outfield. I guess he played baseball for social reasons (also it was his choice to play, not ours). That said – he holds on to his participation trophies as a reminder of his summer baseball times, not because they represent a success or a failure. He has now entered middle school and ran cross country this fall. In every race only the top 10-30 runners, depending on race size, received a medal. Everyone else went home empty handed. I believe he only went home empty handed 2 times – and those times he felt that he had not performed to his best ability and therefore did not deserve a medal. For his sake, a participation trophy is a reminder of the activity. A medal, ribbon, or plaque is a reminder of the accomplishment and the hard work that took place to achieve that honor. He can differentiate between the two – participation award and place awards.

This brings me to my second son. He is a very gifted athlete and has had success in every sport so far. He has won a couple of county baseball championships and placed in the state as a youth wrestler. That said, his participation trophies mean nothing to him and are on a shelf in his closet. His true prizes of his hard work, dedication, and success are displayed in his room. He values those awards – and can give you details about how each of them was accomplished. Oh – and he is about to turn 8.

Most importantly, both of my boys win AND loose graciously. They commend their competitors for their abilities and do not gloat about their own. THESE are the life lessons that are more important than the trophies! My children have learned so much from competing in sports – and never once have they done it just for the trophy. Being competitive is not a bad thing – it’s not knowing when to turn the competitive juices off – which is what Jelly is referring to. Oh – and being competitive when it comes to grades is a good thing! Shouldn’t every kid want to get all A’s? I sure as heck want mine to!

In closing – I don’t have a problem with participation trophies AS LONG AS the child understands that they are receiving them ONLY for being there and participating (hence the name) – not that it was an award won. My children understand that……so I feel that I can put a checkmark next to that completed item on my parenting check list.

[jellybean]

Winning and losing are a part of life and it's not unhealthy for kids to learn that. Parents who don't teach their children that are doing them a great disservice.

Really? Its not part of my life. Never had to compete at home and never had to compete even when I worked in corporate America. My life is not about winning and losing.... its about a journey. I feel sorry for anyone who classifies their life in a such a way.. obviously they were lead astray by warped ideas on competition.

[2xy1xx]

It's impossible to never have competed at some point in your life........even with your own self. Haven't you ever challenged yourself to do better? I can almost bet that you did not achieve 100% on every single paper ever turned in. At some point, you had to have set a goal and worked towards it. That my dear, is considered winning. If you didn't achieve as highly as you would have always liked to - that would be loosing.

You win some, you loose some.

It applies to everyone! You can twist it however you want - but at some point in your life, you have won and you have lost. Go ahead, call it a journey but the rest of us see it without rose colored glasses.

[jclarue]

NO WINNERS AND NO LOSERS IS ABOUT THE SAME AS NOT TRYING TO BETTER ONE'S SELF, WHICH IS VERY SIMILIAR TO THE MEANING OF SOCIALISM. I NEED NOT TRY TO BE BETTER FOR I WILL GET THE SAME REWARD.

[Frank Drebin]

Winning and losing are a part of life and it's not unhealthy for kids to learn that. Parents who don't teach their children that are doing them a great disservice.

Really? Its not part of my life. Never had to compete at home and never had to compete even when I worked in corporate America. My life is not about winning and losing.... its about a journey. I feel sorry for anyone who classifies their life in a such a way.. obviously they were lead astray by warped ideas on competition.

None of this surprises me. Just try not to picket an evily competitive football game the rest of us might be attending please.

[Frank Drebin]

What an interesting topic with some interesting takes on being competitive – successfully or unsuccessfully.

My first born played county baseball for 6 years. He was always one of the last ones picked and a benchwarmer. When it was his turn to play – he was most certainly in the outfield. I guess he played baseball for social reasons (also it was his choice to play, not ours). That said – he holds on to his participation trophies as a reminder of his summer baseball times, not because they represent a success or a failure. He has now entered middle school and ran cross country this fall. In every race only the top 10-30 runners, depending on race size, received a medal. Everyone else went home empty handed. I believe he only went home empty handed 2 times – and those times he felt that he had not performed to his best ability and therefore did not deserve a medal. For his sake, a participation trophy is a reminder of the activity. A medal, ribbon, or plaque is a reminder of the accomplishment and the hard work that took place to achieve that honor. He can differentiate between the two – participation award and place awards.

This brings me to my second son. He is a very gifted athlete and has had success in every sport so far. He has won a couple of county baseball championships and placed in the state as a youth wrestler. That said, his participation trophies mean nothing to him and are on a shelf in his closet. His true prizes of his hard work, dedication, and success are displayed in his room. He values those awards – and can give you details about how each of them was accomplished. Oh – and he is about to turn 8.

Most importantly, both of my boys win AND loose graciously. They commend their competitors for their abilities and do not gloat about their own. THESE are the life lessons that are more important than the trophies! My children have learned so much from competing in sports – and never once have they done it just for the trophy. Being competitive is not a bad thing – it’s not knowing when to turn the competitive juices off – which is what Jelly is referring to. Oh – and being competitive when it comes to grades is a good thing! Shouldn’t every kid want to get all A’s? I sure as heck want mine to!

In closing – I don’t have a problem with participation trophies AS LONG AS the child understands that they are receiving them ONLY for being there and participating (hence the name) – not that it was an award won. My children understand that……so I feel that I can put a checkmark next to that completed item on my parenting check list.

Well said...There's nothing wrong with losing as long as you gave it your all, are gracious and learn from the experience. I find it amazing that someone would even deny the truth that life is full of natural and healthy competitive situations.

[Frank Drebin]

NO WINNERS AND NO LOSERS IS ABOUT THE SAME AS NOT TRYING TO BETTER ONE'S SELF, WHICH IS VERY SIMILIAR TO THE MEANING OF SOCIALISM. I NEED NOT TRY TO BE BETTER FOR I WILL GET THE SAME REWARD.

You might be on to something here...

[jellybean]

NO WINNERS AND NO LOSERS IS ABOUT THE SAME AS NOT TRYING TO BETTER ONE'S SELF, WHICH IS VERY SIMILIAR TO THE MEANING OF SOCIALISM. I NEED NOT TRY TO BE BETTER FOR I WILL GET THE SAME REWARD.

Thank you for the classic example of why the reward system is bunk. You yourself stated you will not try to better yourself without some sort of boon. THAT is why we have such a generation of lazy, self absorbed people... they don't want to improve themselves without great reward.. they feel they are OWED something. And where exactly do they get the idea that the game of life is only worth playing well if they get some sort of reward for it... from schools who dole out meaningless grades and from being urged to be competitive instead of copperative and generous. We get police officers who who join the force not to protect and serve but to get some sort of perceived power. We get politicians who who don't want to help their constituents or serve the greater good and instead use their position to pad their pocketboook. We are a country of people chasing the carrot and trying to make sure know one else gets it.

Read up on Alfie Kohn... a VERY smart guy who is known for showing how comeptition is the root cause of MANY problems.

[Dude]

NO WINNERS AND NO LOSERS IS ABOUT THE SAME AS NOT TRYING TO BETTER ONE'S SELF, WHICH IS VERY SIMILIAR TO THE MEANING OF SOCIALISM. I NEED NOT TRY TO BE BETTER FOR I WILL GET THE SAME REWARD.

Thank you for the classic example of why the reward system is bunk. You yourself stated you will not try to better yourself without some sort of boon. THAT is why we have such a generation of lazy, self absorbed people... they don't want to improve themselves without great reward.. they feel they are OWED something. And where exactly do they get the idea that the game of life is only worth playing well if they get some sort of reward for it... from schools who dole out meaningless grades and from being urged to be competitive instead of copperative and generous. We get police officers who who join the force not to protect and serve but to get some sort of perceived power. We get politicians who who don't want to help their constituents or serve the greater good and instead use their position to pad their pocketboook. We are a country of people chasing the carrot and trying to make sure know one else gets it.

Read up on Alfie Kohn... a VERY smart guy who is known for showing how comeptition is the root cause of MANY problems.

Not OWED, but EARNED.

Your argument just proves what larue is talking about. Work hard and recieve the same benefits as the loafer. Don't succeed at anything and you recived the same reward as someone who does succeed? That smells of socialism.